Conan the Barbarian (*½)
Directed by: Marcus Nispel
Starring: Jason Momoa, Rachel Nichols, Stephen Lang, Rose McGowan, Leo
Howard, Ron Perlman, Nonso Anozie, Saïd
Taghmaoui, Steven O’Donnell
Seen: August 27th 2011
*½
Out of ****
Conan is the quintessential B-grade movie if you ever needed an example.
It’s relatively well produced, it’s bloody and violent (on par with
Braveheart), and true to the fantasy staple it features half naked girls and a forced sex scene (not explicit, but in
context very awkward). The villain is singularly evil, with even a sense that
incest would not be below him (some scenes seem to hint in this direction, but
luckily nothing more). It’s becoming the usual for me to see the retreads without
knowledge of the originals, so my view isn’t influenced by the earlier
Schwarzenegger movie.
The story of Conan begins before his birth, when the Acheron sorcerers
moulded a mask from the skulls of dead kings in a bid to conquer the world with
the power the mask received from the dark gods after sacrificing their pureblood
daughters. Only the Barbarians were able to stand against them, and led by
Corin (Perlman), the sorcerers were defeated and the mask shattered, its pieces
spread to various Barbarian tribes to guard against another assembling of the
mask. Corin’s wife gives birth to Conan (Howard) in battle, and he grows up a
skilled and extremely violent warrior, capable of defeating multiple enemy
warriors alone, in the forest, without breaking much of a sweat, at the
approximate age of 12.
On a quest to rebuild the mask, Khalar Zym (Lang), with his witch-daughter
Marique, invade Conan’s village, where they find the last piece. They kill
everyone and leave Conan for dead, a grave mistake, as he vows revenge. As
Conan grows up (Momoa), Zym and his daughter (McGowan) search for the last living
pureblood descendant of the Acheron to ignite the mask’s power, for Zym to resurrect
his dead wife and rule the world. Conan hunts Zym with little luck, freeing his
slaves and harrying him as far as he can. He assists thief Ela-Shan (Taghmaoui)
in [getting captured and then] escaping from Lucius (O’Donnell), previous
leader of Zym’s legions, a man Conan recognises from the raid on his village,
and who leads Conan to Zym for his revenge. Zym and Marique get closer to the descendant, but
Conan rescues Tamara(Nichols) fom Zym’s men and they escape. When Conan goes
after Zym, Tamara is captured, and events boil down to a climax of bloody
violence and endless fighting as Zym and Conan face off.
It’s strange that a movie so sparse in story can seem to have such a
strong one, but this is merely a chase and catch-up kind of plot. Dialogue is a
insignificant, and simply the only way to get to the next fight/action sequence,
and is handled as something that’s in the way, to be taken care of as soon as
possible. The 3D is dark, murky, and blurry, as a lot of the story transpires
in very dark locations and a lot of the action is too fast-paced for 3D. the
set pieces are impressive and some fight scenes are well choreographed, but the
inevitable sense here is that a chance to make something impressive has gone to
waste to make something pulpy and over the top. Conan the Barbarian is nothing
more than a flash in the pan with bloody, gory exposition taking precedence
over good storytelling, and I cannot recommend it to anyone who wants to see something
of substance.
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