Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (**)

Directed by: Rob Marshall

Starring: Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane, Geoffrey Rush, Kevin McNally, Sam Claflin, Astrid Berges-Frisbey, Keith Richards

Seen: May 20^th 2011

** Out of ****

I was excited to see this 4^th movie in the franchise. But not because I’m a fan of the series, in fact, quite the opposite, I didn’t truly enjoy any of them. While all 3 movies (and now the 4^th) are well-produced, the first had only Johnny Depp and his now legendary Captain Jack Sparrow going for it (remove him and the rest of these movies are terrible); the second had a bit more of Captain Jack; and the third had far too much Captain Jack and almost more senseless ship battles going nowhere. This 4^th instalment curbs Captain Jack to a manageable amount, but he is by no means anything less than the central character, anyone else simply shades him and his oddities, with Penelope Cruz coming closest to a fully realised character – but starting out as a Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator. Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley are gone, without mention, and very few notable characters return from previous movies, Geoffrey Rush’s Barbossa, Kevin McNally’s Gibbs, and Keith Richards’ Captain Teague in a cameo appearance being the only notable ones.

The story, you might ask? Not much to go with here apart from a thin entertainment park rollercoaster quest. Jack is looking for the Fountain of Youth, accompanied by the evil Blackbeard (McShane) and his daughter Angelica. Barbossa too, now a privateer with the British Navy, and just to up the stakes, but barely deserving mention, a Spanish crew are also after it. En route they have to find two items for use at the Fountain: a set of specific silver chalices and the tear of a mermaid. That’s it, the full story, which the writers manage to stretch for over 2 hours with little more than mild amusement at the now over-utilised Jack Sparrow. The mermaid hunt scene is unexpectedly entertaining, but ends rather lamely, introducing two new characters (maybe as replacements for Bloom and Knightley’s Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann): missionary (guess what joke they milk out of that...) Philip Swift (Claflin) and mermaid Syrena (Berges-Frisbey). Everyone and everything converges on the Fountain, and when they reach it, everything becomes a confusing jumble of Jack Sparrow, Barbossa, the Spaniards, the British, the missionary, the mermaid, and more.

So yes, I was excited heading into this new Pirates movie, or shall I say hopeful, as this was under a new director, without Bloom and Knightley (who was, in hindsight, actually missed), and featuring a well-made cinematic trailer. Once again I was disappointed, as these movies are nothing but a mirror-and-smoke show, well-produced nothingness, a few quirky quips masquerading as a good movie. I can also state categorically that this movie is another case in the argument against 3D, as it added absolutely nothing to the movie except for a higher ticket price and a dim viewing experience. As a great deal of the movie happens in relatively dark environments, and 3D glasses are as a matter of fact basic sunglasses, some scenes are so dark that it was tempting to take of the glasses and try figuring out what was going on with a blurred but brighter image. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is not a good movie. It is a case against many things; 3D, senseless money-grabbing sequels, and over-use of a once-cool character. This series should have stopped a long time ago.