Killers (*½)
Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Tom Selleck, Katherine O’Hara, Rob Riggle
Seen: June 4th 2010
*½ Out of ****
Despite a promising if foreboding trailer, Killers just doesn’t cut it on either of its two premises. It doesn’t work as an action movie, as this is director Robert Luketic’s first foray into action and the viewer never fears for the lives of the protagonists, and it doesn’t work as a romance, as the unexciting action bridges the lukewarm bits of romance that might have been entertaining. The romance is also foiled by a massive jump forward after 10 minutes of introductions – the two have the meet cute, they get married (not filmed), and then the movie jumps three years ahead.
The recently single Jen (Heigl) is on holiday with her parents in Nice, France. Mr. Kornfeldt (Selleck), her father, is very protective while Mrs. Kornfeldt (O’Hara) is the cardboard cut-out alcoholic movie-mother. As Jen heads up to her room chewing Maalox and generally being a very sadly single person, the athletically-built-and-only-swimsuit-wearing Spencer (Kutcher) gets into the elevator with her. She rides the elevator back to ground level with him, and starts walking towards the beach, basically following him there (even though she walks in front of him the whole time). He asks her out for a drink and dives into the ocean, where he finds a package hidden in the reef, swims to a nearby boat, and plants explosives on a helicopter on the boat. He and Jen then continue to have their date, and during this date the helicopter takes off and explodes in the distance.
Cut to Mr. Kornfeldt and Spencer shooting clay pigeons while Spencer asks for Jen’s hand in marriage, and cut to three years into their marriage. Suddenly our hit man Spencer’s old handler contacts him again and things start going wrong almost immediately (after the three year gap that is). Spencer’s handler turns up dead, producing probably one of the least thought-about lines in recent movie history: after a very brief visual inspection (walking in the room and looking at the dead man), Spencer says: “Judging by the body, this happened this morning…”. Maybe this will keep 3 out of 100 viewers happy, but the other 97 will immediately see through it. And that is how the movie continues from here on out, as suddenly the entire neighbourhood turns out to have been sleeper agents, who are now activated by the sudden $20 million bounty on Spencer’s head. From where you may ask? I do not know…
Killers is yet another lame duck movie trying to capitalise on only its stars, and like The Bounty Hunter earlier this year, it fails on almost every level. There are two or three honest laughs in the movie, about one cool looking action scene (a flashy explosion), and one overly gruesome death setup a while earlier when the office manager decides to install the most garish chandeliers imaginable. Not delivering on promises in a trailer is one thing, delivering less in its whole than the trailer did, shameful. Killers should be culled quickly, before it can rot more brains looking for decent entertainment.
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