My Bloody Valentine 3D (*)

Directed by: Patrick Lussier (Dracula 2000, White Noise 2)
Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith
Seen: February 21st 2009

* Out of ****

Every once in a while I go watch a horror movie in the hope that something might surprise or impress me. But every time my firm belief that horror movies equal bad movies is affirmed. And to make things worse, this feels partly like an 80’s exploitation film too, complete with the fully naked girl running around for about 5 minutes in one scene, in 3D.

Ten years ago, Harry Warden went off on a Valentine’s Day rampage, killing 22 people with his axe. Only three teenagers survived the incident, with two of them leaving the other behind in their escape attempt. Tom Hanniger (Ackles) was the unlucky lucky one. As his friends, Axel (Smith) and Sarah (King) escaped, the murderous Harry Warden was between Tom and the exit to the mine, and Tom went back into the mine in an attempt to survive. Here, just before being killed, the Sheriff arrived and shot Warden in the head, causing him to run off into the depths of the mine.

Back in present day Tom has come back to the small town to sell the mine he inherited from his dad amidst open protest from the townspeople, since the mine is the livelihood. Tom, in other words, is not admired by the townspeople, and as the murders pick up again he is the main suspect, partly because his ex-girlfriend Sarah is now married to the new town Sheriff Axel, and Axel doesn’t like his presence one bit.

The 3D is great, and used with good effect. There is the occasional misuse of the technology to throw things off-screen into the audience’s faces, but overall it lends a fantastic feel to the film. A great action film like The Rock could benefit greatly from a 3D treatment (in my opinion…). The violence is gory and bloody, the bad language is bad (although it also feels forced), the nudity is gratuitous (aforementioned scene) and the sex is quick and dirty and not explicit. The movie, however, is terrible, and the big reveal at the end is bad, laughably so. I would definitely recommend avoiding this at all costs…